SO... about that other thing...

After living in denial, and trying to put it off and trying not say it out loud so that then it wouldn't be true... himself and I are getting a divorce.
The mister and I aren't just separating, we're getting a divorce.

And you know what? After two months of sheer emotional HELL, I reckon this is probably the best thing. Why? Well come on. Would you want to stay with someone who really, REALLY doesn't want to stay with you? Yep. He really wants a divorce. But... it's not just him. I have wanted to break out of this for a few years now. But I kept staying in and trying to make it work through sheer bloody-mindedness..

I know it's the right thing. I know that we haven't been able to work for a very long time. I know that I've been thinking about this for at least 3 years. I know that I've been unhappy with my relationship for a long, long, long time. But there's an old-fashioned part of me that just wanted to try one last time. Call me crazy but I just reckon that if you're married you try a little harder. But then again, I guess we really did. And after crying myself to sleep for about 2 and a half months solidly, I can finally just deal with it.

You know, they say that the pain that women go through during childbirth is so intense that a chemical forces them to forget the pain so that they are willing to go through the whole thing all over again.

Ok I am not comparing my experience to childbirth but I don't actually remember too much of what happened over the past 2 months so much. Only that my heart was ripped out of my body, stomped on a few times with steel toe steel stud boots before being put into a shredder and then boiled in oil.

Graphic? Maybe. Was that how it felt? Hell yeah. You don't actually know what it feels like to be so completely and totally rejected until it happens to you by someone you have been with and have loved deeply. It doesn't matter that you know there's no future. It doesn't matter that you know it's not going to work. It doesn't matter that you've thought of leaving at least once a year for the past few years. When you have spent 8 and a half years of your life with someone, it doesn't matter. You've become so integral in each other's lives that it just doesn't matter about whether you know it's the right decision or not. It still hurts. It hurts a lot.

And of course, he had the balls to take the first step. I was waiting for this, waiting for that, waiting for the right moment and he just did it. For which I am sort of grateful... but there is that ridiculous part of me (the mildly competitive side) that wishes I had done it first.

The worst thing is: despite the fact that I know that this is so absolutely the right decision, I just feel so rejected and unwanted and unloved and .... shit basically. In my head I know that it's just two people who are good people but just not good together. That it's no one person's fault. That we aren't bad folk. BUT.. it still feels like a rejection. It feels like failure. Like we've tried for over 8 years... and it wasn't good enough.

But I'm working on being ok. The one good thing that's come out of this? I have no idea. I'm still a little bit shell shocked but I'm getting over that. I feel as attractive as a boiled sock and as lovely as a mouldy potato. I am sure that noone will ever want me again but then again, that's ok with me because seriously? I couldn't go through all of this again. I have had to shell out a FORTUNE on eye creams to get the swelling down with all the crying. Why? Because it doesn't matter that I knew that it would never work. It doesn't matter that he started it and I finished it. None of it matters. Love and feelings, don't work with logic. Which is the really sucky thing. You can't just get over spending eight years of your life with someone whom you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, in the blink of an eye.

Oh yeah! The one good thing that's come out of this? Friends and family. You really know who the best ones are. And that's when you start counting your blessings. And let me tell you something. I have hundreds upon hundreds! Such amazing family! Such awesome friends! And friends from all over the world!

Yes - I have had a shit time. But you know what? It happens. People fall out of love. And at the end of the day we want to stay friends.. I don't know if that will happen but let's pretend that we're the Waltons... And at the end of the day, I have such fantastic people around me who are so caring and have been looking after me so amazingly well. So I am lucky. So, so incredibly lucky. And while my optimism had dimmed considerably, it's now back. It's starting to get back to full strength now. Hey, you may be able to drop me but you can't keep me down!

Yes I have lost a lot. But then again, I have a whole new unplanned future in front of me. Yes this means that kids are on hold for a bit (call me old fashioned but I kind of like the whole idea of having a dad and a mom when you have kids!) then so be it. I have beautiful cousins. I have wonderful family. I have gorgeous friends.

I am blessed.

and then there was seattle...

And yea 'twas wonderous. No seriously dude - it rocked! Technical conference like no tomorrow and on top of all of that, NEW TECHNOLOGY!!! WOOHOO!

So my company sent me over to Seattle and put us up in a hotel and I was sharing with a good mate of mine and it was a blast. I know, I know. You don't tend to put Seattle and "blast" together in the same sentence but hey, it's all about the people you're with. And the sun was shining the whole 8 days that I was there! I really do like it there. It's so damn beautiful it's a little bit like the UK but way bigger, and far more laid back and chilled out. If wishes were horses, I would take ALL my friends and family over there and then I'd be thrilled!

And who knows? One day, I may just go there permanently. But at the moment, there's just waaaay too much to focus on and take care of.

Ho Boy are there ever.

But that's for another entry.