new year ... new thoughts...

I was going to write a blog entry on my New Year's resolutions. What the plans, hopes, dreams and ambitions were.
And then, On December 26th, I went downstairs for toast and tea and turned the news on and found out that most of SE Asia had been wiped out. And suddenly everything else seemed so banal. My first action was to call my family around that area in a frantic panic to make sure that they were:
a) alive
b) safe
and thankfully they were. They hadn't been affected by it at all. To this I can only say: Thank you God. So much.
And then... I started watching the news. Constantly. But not constantly. Because I just can't. My heart breaks at the children and the people that this has affected. How on earth could I have thought that getting an LCD screen was important for this year?
I'm sitting here now and feeling impotent and helpless that I cannot do anything more substantial than donate. And I feel like I have sold out. I have become everything that I never wanted to be. A corporate monkey. I want to go out there but I can't because I've just changed jobs and I worry that I might lose it - although I probably won't because my company is pretty cool.
I want to go out there and I want to help. But I'm scared of going out there. And never coming back. And I'm worried about my two babies (my cats) and the house and the mortgage and all the pathetic practicalities. All the excuses that I can think of to NOT do what I SHOULD be doing.

So because I'm too scared to do anything else, I am going to donate. And pray and pray and pray and pray some more. And thank God that humanity is still strong within us all that there is still enough compassion in the world for everyone to pull together to help the victims.

I can't bring myself to say Happy New Year because it seems cruel to say that when for so many, it will be a tragedy. But I do wish everyone, the very best, the very safest and a lot of love for the New Year.