ode to my father...
my dad left the world in january. and i wasn't there.
so my heart broke a couple of times all over again. and that was intense. and i was all kinds broken mentally and emotionally. that's why all has been silent on the blogging front. life was too raw to write about. but i've dealt.
i haven't seen my dad for 13 years. he left us 13 years ago. and he left us in a really challenging position. and it was hard. and we had to adapt. and get used to a whole bunch of stuff that we had never dealt with before. but then that's life. you get thrown stuff you've never dealt with before. and you deal with it. and ok. for a long time i was angry. and there was some hate. and there was not a lot of understanding. and there was not a lot of listening on my part. but you know, i'm just not built for long term grudges. and my dad? he was one helluva dad. i mean apart from deserting us obviously.
he used to tell us the most AMAZING stories. and we used to have the most amazing conversations. ever. about anything. and he used to talk to us like people. and not children. and he always, always, always encouraged us. to be anything and everything that we wanted to be. i had such a positive childhood. and after my recent (impending) divorce from a man who grew up in one of the most negative and stifling environments ever. my dad brought me up to believe in myself. and in trying anything and everything. and not being afraid to fail. his biggest and best teaching?
"Never be afraid to try because the one thing you never want to do is sit back in 20 years time and regret. never regret your mistakes. only ever regret that you never tried."
i forgave him. and i told him that. and i told him that i did still love him. but the last time i saw him, 13 years ago, i didn't realise that that would be the last time i saw him.
i wish i could have seen him one last time. i wish i could have spoken to him one last time. i wish i could have argued with him one last time. i hope he knew that we loved him. that we forgave him. that we thought about him.
do i regret it all? no. i know. i sound like a hard bitch. but actually, i forgave him and loved him still and he also had a responsibility to speak to us. he was the dad. and we never knew where he was. am i trying to justify myself? no. i miss him. i will miss him always. he was the one of the few people that i could always talk to. about anything. and he was so wise. and so clever. and so ridiculously intelligent. but for all of that, he had his faults. and you know what? that's ok. because that's what we're all about.
we're human. we make mistakes. and our moms and dads? you know, the people that we tend to (most of the time) put on a pedestal? they're human too. they make mistakes. he made me realise that. my dad made me realise that life, it's soo many different shades of gray. it just really stops being black and white from about 7.
my dad was brilliant. my dad was flawed. my dad is gone. i miss him.
may his wandering soul be at rest now.
so my heart broke a couple of times all over again. and that was intense. and i was all kinds broken mentally and emotionally. that's why all has been silent on the blogging front. life was too raw to write about. but i've dealt.
i haven't seen my dad for 13 years. he left us 13 years ago. and he left us in a really challenging position. and it was hard. and we had to adapt. and get used to a whole bunch of stuff that we had never dealt with before. but then that's life. you get thrown stuff you've never dealt with before. and you deal with it. and ok. for a long time i was angry. and there was some hate. and there was not a lot of understanding. and there was not a lot of listening on my part. but you know, i'm just not built for long term grudges. and my dad? he was one helluva dad. i mean apart from deserting us obviously.
he used to tell us the most AMAZING stories. and we used to have the most amazing conversations. ever. about anything. and he used to talk to us like people. and not children. and he always, always, always encouraged us. to be anything and everything that we wanted to be. i had such a positive childhood. and after my recent (impending) divorce from a man who grew up in one of the most negative and stifling environments ever. my dad brought me up to believe in myself. and in trying anything and everything. and not being afraid to fail. his biggest and best teaching?
"Never be afraid to try because the one thing you never want to do is sit back in 20 years time and regret. never regret your mistakes. only ever regret that you never tried."
i forgave him. and i told him that. and i told him that i did still love him. but the last time i saw him, 13 years ago, i didn't realise that that would be the last time i saw him.
i wish i could have seen him one last time. i wish i could have spoken to him one last time. i wish i could have argued with him one last time. i hope he knew that we loved him. that we forgave him. that we thought about him.
do i regret it all? no. i know. i sound like a hard bitch. but actually, i forgave him and loved him still and he also had a responsibility to speak to us. he was the dad. and we never knew where he was. am i trying to justify myself? no. i miss him. i will miss him always. he was the one of the few people that i could always talk to. about anything. and he was so wise. and so clever. and so ridiculously intelligent. but for all of that, he had his faults. and you know what? that's ok. because that's what we're all about.
we're human. we make mistakes. and our moms and dads? you know, the people that we tend to (most of the time) put on a pedestal? they're human too. they make mistakes. he made me realise that. my dad made me realise that life, it's soo many different shades of gray. it just really stops being black and white from about 7.
my dad was brilliant. my dad was flawed. my dad is gone. i miss him.
may his wandering soul be at rest now.
posted by moonflower | 2/27/2006 08:52:00 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home